Ingredient Mixing
by FluffleNeCharka
Summary: An argument between Raz and Lili leads Quentin to conclude that it is high time Raz and Lili 'mix ingredients', and he, Crystal, Phoebe, and Milka are going to make sure they have a romantic evening alone, whether they like it or not.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey bro, what's happening in the land of flowers?" Quentin grinned widely and sat down next to Lili, Milka, Crystal, and Phoebe, all of whom sighed.

Two years had passed since they met, but time had been kind to the psychic children. They were still all harnessing their powers, still chillin' out at Whispering Rock for two weeks every summer, and Quentin and Phoebe were still rocking out day and night in the Main Lodge. The only differences were that this year, Clem wasn't here, having been shipped off to church camp, and Raz wasn't here, having become a 'early Psychonaut of Awesome', in Quentin's words.

In the absence of Clem and Raz, Lili and Crystal had become friends, and as Milka was now the one who did special effects for The Flying Fires, Phoebe and Milka could often be found hanging out together. Quentin liked how the group dynamics worked; he was the weird hippy who knew all of them and held them together as one of the most messed up groups on the planet.

Lili dully poked at her hamburger. "Why do you even say that, stupid? Milka and Phoebe aren't flower names."

"But, see, check it," Quentin smiled at Milka. "She's all golden and awesome, so she's like a sunflower, and she can go invisible, so she's like those really awesome flowers that bloom once in a full moon. And Phoebe's like a rose, 'cause fire is red like flames, and roses are widely known, as our band will one day be!"

"True that!" Phoebe high fived him.

Crystal grinned. "Oh, yay! Flower power, woo hoo! I think your flower metaphors are awesome, Quentin! Lili's just mad because she and Raz broke up."

"WE DID NOT BREAK UP, dumbass." Lili growled. "It's just a little argument."

"Hey, cool it," Quentin said, patting her hand. "I know you guys have something special. You'll just take a week off or something and get back together. Hopefully you won't do it as often as Elka and Nils, but…"

Lili bit her lip. "Um, actually, I've been thinking… Maybe it's time Raz and I saw other people."

Phoebe choked on her milk. Milka raised an eyebrow but, being the reserved person she was, kept her opinion of this development to herself.

"No way!" Quentin stood up. "Look, you and Raz are both really weird, super freaky people with a lot of issues-"

"Gee, thanks."

"-But that's why you two are so awesome together. You're insanely cynical, but he's insanely positive, and together you're superbly neutral! And you're all 'everything's boring' and he's all 'everything's fun' and you balance, see? It's like my cocoa and Phoebe's milk, you're just not complete without each other! You have to mix ingredients!"

Quentin froze, fist in the air, and his face twisted into one of wonder.

"Oh my God," Phoebe muttered, "This will not be good."

"That's it! You two need to mix ingredients!" Quentin shouted. "It's so obvious! This is when circus kids hit puberty and he's just waiting for the joining of his hot dog to your bun!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lili said slowly, golden eyes narrowing dangerously. "Are you saying…?"

"Raz needs to get laid?" Crystal put in helpfully. Milka bit her lip hard to keep from laughing. "Oh, yay! True love! Soon they'll be married and have babies and go into debt to get their kids through college and-"

"Whoa, whoa," Quentin waved his arms for order. "You gotta walk before you can run, Crystal Flowers. First we gotta get the hot dog and bun on talking terms with each other, and I have just the plan!"

Phoebe stared at him. "Excuse me, bro, but what do we even have that induces ingredient mixing?"

"All we need: Mood music, a cabin at the bottom of the lake, a mattress, and a lava lamp!"

Phoebe cringed. "I repeat, this will not be good…"

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Author's Note: I have issues. snort Ingredient mixing…


	2. Chapter 2

Well, it turns out Quentin was right to think the hardest part about getting the ingredients mixed was getting them in the same room.

Lili was not fond of the concept to begin with, but when Quentin began giving her 'rules' to make the plan work better, she was literally about to punch him. And as being punched by Lili was only slightly less painful than being punched by a psychic bear, he was then forced to do something most grown men would not have done: Go to Kitty and Franke for help.

Many people had been turned away by the camp bitches over the years, but Quentin knew that now was the time to really grovel, to get down on both knees and kick major ass. He knew his love, the perky little Kitty, could only accept being treated like the goddess she was, and Quentin also knew he was throwing away his dignity for a good reason: helping a friend.

He bowed low on one knee and held his head down. "Oh stunning, smart, wondrous Kitty with a heart of gold and rubies, whose beauty outshines the sun, please, my darling, could I ask you one favor?"

"What about me?" Franke snapped, not liking how no one had complimented her.

"What _about _you?" Kitty snapped. "Go on, Quentin."

"My empress, true love is being threatened on these semi-sacred grounds!"

"I'm not going out with you."

"That's not what I meant, wise one," Quentin sighed. "It's Raz and Lili. Their otherwise awesome relationship is on the rocks and I want to give them a night alone together to help patch things up. No kids, no counselors, just the two of them and a candlelight dinner. With me so far, pretty Kitty?"

She smiled. "Oh, that's romantic. I like that idea."

"Me too," Franke put in nervously.

"Poser," Kitty muttered.

"But here's the problem, my special girls," Quentin continued. "Lili doesn't want to go because she thinks it's a waste of time."

"What?!" Kitty gave Quentin a look that was akin to the time Raz had called her fat. "Is she _crazy_? If Ver- a boy, offered me that kind of deal, I'd have my dad sue his enemies."

"That's why I came here, my fuchsia jewel. I need you and Franke to convince Lili to go. I know you chicks don't owe me anything but c'mon, it's Raz and Lili we're talking about here!"

"We'll do it," Kitty declared. "Just leave that fashion disaster to us. We'll get her to go and she'll look beautiful to boot."

"Yeah, like a weed!" Franke chirped.

"Flower, Franke, like a flower." Kitty shook her head. "God, people are going to think you're dealing…"

"A thousand thanks, most awesome one!" Quentin cheered, and he took her hand and kissed it. "If anyone can help her, it's you. You're the most romantic girl in the whole camp, and the most fashionable."

Kitty blushed and a rare, genuine smile worked its way onto her face. "Aw, thanks. That is so sweet. And true."

"You know it is, my queen." Quentin bowed to her before scurrying off. "Now, we just gotta get Raz back into camp. And I have just the plan. Hey, Dogen!"

"THEY'RE LIARS!" Dogen howled. "I didn't kiss a duck, it just bit me on the mouth!"

"…Okay, I can see that. The animals here are kind of freaky," Quentin agreed, placing a hand on Dogen's shoulder. "Look, bro, I need your help. For reasons Agent Nein has entrusted me with that cannot be fully revealed for the sake of national security, I need to get Raz and Lili down to the Beach by midnight. But Raz isn't here!"

"Why not send the jet?" Dogen asked slowly.

"It's broken and this is one of those Ford-given missions the other Psychonauts won't take seriously." Quentin lied. "You gotta help me get Raz down here."

"How?"

"You can teleport, right?"

"If I take off my special hat. But I'm not supposed to do that," Dogen added urgently. "It'll get lonely and then it'll cry and the squirrels will eat it!"

Quentin blinked. "What if I give you squirrel repellant?"

"M'kay."

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Author's Note: My favorite line this chapter was the one about the duck. XD


	3. Chapter 3

"Open the door, Lili!" Kitty snapped. "Come on, we just wanna help you."

"Yeah!" Franke put in. "It'll be cool."

"Yay for helping!" cheered Crystal. "Yay friendship! Helping makes the day go faster, and soon make up Lili will master, being taught by the original mold caster, Kitty! Go Kitty go go Kitty!"

Kitty's eye twitched visibly, but Lili smirked inside her cabin.

"Now I know I'm not coming out."

Milka appeared out of nowhere. "Um, Lilianna?"

Lili gave her a look. Anyone else who called her that would've been shot dead, except for Raz, of course.

"Please, just give this a chance. I think you'll look really pretty after this and you and Raz could probably have a lot of fun no matter what happens." Her quiet voice made Lili at bit more at ease. "You've been saying all week how dull it is to just meet him in his mind. Well now you can meet in person and no one will have to stand guard for Agent Nein. Don't you think that's nice?"

"Oh, alright," Lili groaned, opening the door at last. "But these two better not make me look all preppy."

"We won't," Kitty grinned. "It wouldn't suit you at all. Now, Milka, on the other hand…"

Milka shook her head. "This is Lili's time, not mine. Maybe later, when you're done here. I wouldn't wanna distract you or anything."

"Ah, well," Kitty sighed wistfully. "I guess even I can only make one person over at a time, even though I _am_ a master. Franke, set up the chair. Crystal, get the suitcases full of all the make up I brought to camp. Milka, get the light and the door. We've got work to do."

Lili rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like surgery."

Kitty smiled in a very superior way. "For a date this important, girlfriend, it may as well be."

"Don't call me girlfriend."

"Shut up or I'll have my dad sue."

"_You_ shut up or I'll have my dad fire yours." Lili shot back. Kitty twitched all over.

Kitty opened the suitcases and set them on the bed while Franke set up something akin to a beautician's chair. Milka cut the lights and turned on the lamp, aiming the light at the chair while Crystal blocked out the windows. Lili took a seat, and Milka draped an apron over her.

"Okay, ladies," Kitty declared, snapping on some gloves, "Let's work a miracle."

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Raz had been having a nightmarish dream. He was stuck in a bathtub floating down a raging sea of meat cuts and bunny heads, and the hand of Galochio was waiting at the meat waterfall to snatch him up and destroy him.

However, this nightmare was nothing compared to waking up with Quentin sitting on his bed, looking like the Cheshire cat.

"Hey, bro."

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Raz sputtered. "I thought the jet was broken."

"It is?" Quentin looked at Dogen. "I mean, uh, it is. The Doge-ster did this."

"Hi, Raz." Dogen waddled over. "I like your bed hat."

Raz grinned sheepishly. "Milla knit it for me." He removed the green elf hat and got up, eyeing Dogen and Quentin questioningly. "And why, exactly, are you two here?"

"Dogen," Quentin said softly, " Would you mind stepping out for a moment while I talk to Agent Aquato?"

"M'kay."

When the small Psychonaut had left, Quentin turned to Raz with utmost seriousness, then broke down into dramatic, convincing fake sobs, punctuated by just the right amount of sniffling.

Raz blinked. "Um, are you okay?"

"Oh, Razputin, bro, it's terrible, just terrible," Quentin sniffled. "It's Lili. Man, I tried to save her, I really did. You gotta believe me, bro."

All the color left Raz's face. "What happened to Lili?"

"It's Linda, dude, she went all psycho and crazy and Lili was the nearest thing and then…" Quentin wrapped his arms around Raz. "She hauled her away, down to the bottom of the lake."

"The snot bubble," Raz realized. There was a pause. "Ew."

"You gotta come save her, Raz! You're the only one who can do it. The rest of us can't get to her because Agents Nein and Vodello are guarding the lake now. We get too close and they make us go back to the cabins," Quentin gave Raz his best puppy dog eyes. "Please, Raz, I know this is your off day, but do it for Lili. For America. For 9/11, man!"

"I'll do it."

Quentin sniffled, wiped his eyes, and hugged Raz. "Bless you, man, that's so cool. Yo, Dogen, check it out!"

Dogen waddled into the room. "Yeah?"

"We need to get back home now."

"M'kay. Everybody hold hands." Dogen held out his stubby arms, eyes darting from side to side.

"Is this to better channel our psychic energy?" Razputin inquired.

"No. It makes us feel like a family." Dogen replied. "And it makes the ducks go away. They know I'm with the squirrels now so they're trying to make out with me."

"Oh-kay then."

"Now everybody count to purple," Dogen instructed. "Green, brown, puce, magenta, grey, balloon, yellow, red…"

Quentin looked over at Raz. "Get comfortable, man, he went through ten rainbows last time."

"Pink, salmon, orange, blue green…"

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Author's Note: I really need to get back to writing this. It's fun and theraputic.


	4. Chapter 4

"Flaming bear red, drunken cougar lavender, purple."

There was a poof, then a splash.

Raz squealed in a very un-Agent like manner, and jumped from puddle to puddle, cringing, until he fell onto dry land. Well, no, actually, moldy wood. He cringed and jumped up, shuddering. Then it hit him. Blue green mold. Sound of suckerfish falling from the sky. Dripping sounds. Ominous mystical music created by Peter McConnell.

He was in the snot bubble.

"Quentin, what the hell?"

"I'm really sorry about this, man," Quentin apologized, then he threw his levitation bubble at Raz, who fell into an old outhouse from Shaky Claim's glory days.

"Should I make the door jam now?" Dogen inquired shyly.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." Quentin grunted, throwing his bodyweight against the door to keep an already Psi blasting Razputin at bay. "Whenever you feel like it, bro."

"M'kay." With that, the door jammed. Permanently.

Raz's face appeared in the tiny, moon shaped hole. "What the heck is this about? Where's Lili? Who is the Milkman?" there was a pause. "Holy shit, where did that come from?"

"Red blue gray PURPLE!" Quentin yelled, and Dogen blinked.

"Sorry Raz. It's the squirrels fault, you know."

Then they vanished.

Dejected, Raz sat upon the rotting wooden seat and settled himself in for some serious thinking, about Lili, life, love, Quentin, Dogen, sanity, the sanity of those two, and the purpose of the goggles.

"…There it is again!" Raz muttered. Then, in a clearer monotone, "I am a frustrated teen. This is doing emotional damage."

Another pause while Raz thought this over.

"I've got a G-Man in my mind. Great. I hope it doesn't ruin the romantic mood of rotting wood and dying suckerfish gasping their final breaths."

If only he knew.

--

"Get. That. Away. From. Me." Lili put deep emphasis on each syllable. "I would not wear that if my life depended on it."

"Your love life does," Franke pointed out. Smoke erupted from her shoulders. "Hey!"

"We're just trying to offer you some of the best fashions known to humankind," Kitty pointed out darkly. "Just try it on."

"No."

"Why not?" Milka asked quietly. "It's a nice dress, Lili."

"I hate it. It's yellow."

"I thought you liked yellow?" Crystal's eyes grew wide. "Everyone's lying to me!"

"I like _gold_," Lili scowled. "Not yellow."

"Oh for the love of fashion," Kitty held out her hand to Franke. "Give me the gold spray paint."

"Can't."

"Why not?" Kitty's eyebrows shot up sky high. Remember, kids, every time Kitty doesn't get everything she asks for, a puppy is shoved into a high power blender.

"I gave it to Coach Oleander. He said he needed it." Franke gulped. "Should we have Phoebe and Quentin get it?"

"That better be rhetorical," Kitty muttered. "Okay, people, let's accessorize while Franke gets the hippy band to unleash hell upon Oleander."

"Accessorize?!" Lili snapped.

"Just let me do my job."

"Maybe I could do it myself," Lili replied coolly.

"Bitch, please. Now show me your nails. It's polish time!"

_I had better get laid tonight,_ Lili thought quietly. _Or else I'm going to have to burn a bitch._

--

Quentin was a dedicated friend.

As a small boy, he had watched Sailor Moon and learned the value of love. He knew that love and friendship were like brownies and ranch dressing; perfect together and yet sacred even apart. Quentin knew he had to save Raz and Lili from seperation. If their rlationship fell apart, the universe would collapse. Puppies would give birth to full grown cats, burning rain would fall upwards, baths would make people dirtier, and DigitalDreamer would start updating CP regularly. Madness, pure madness, all of it! These things must be prevented at all costs, and only Quentin stood between the world and speedy snails.

He would indeed do anything for his friends. This is why he dressed up in a suit, slicked his hair back, stowed all pride, ate a half pounds of breath mints, put on some cologne, and set out to distract Coach Oleander.

With dance.

Carefully, a disco ball was TK'd into place, and Phoebe swapped out Oleander's drum march music (which he now regularly played throughout camp) with a Spanish love song. Quickly, the two-person band swapped out the normal rug for a dark pink, heart print one. Quentin put on his best smile.

"What is that racket-!" Coach Oleander started, then stopped dead. "Hedgemouse?!"

"Hello, Morceau," Quentin grinned widely. "I'm here to teach you to dance."

"WHAT?"

Quentin smiled, took the Coach's stubby arms, and led him to the horrible rug of doom. With a few simple motions, Quentin spun him around. They danced briefly, something akin to a cross between a tango and a ballet, with Quentin watching out of one eye as Phoebe dug through the Coach's abandoned bag. Twirling the Coach like a ballerina, Quentin decided now would be a good time to seek therapy. This was not a normal childhood.

"M'kay, so, here's how you start out-" Quentin attempted to instruct.

"I am not taking dance lessons from you, hippie," Oleander sputtered, his face going red. "How dare you call me by my first name! You're not a real instructor, either. Who put you up to this?"

It was clear by the glaring, the twitching, the throb in that vein above his eye, the heavy breathing, the way all his blood had rushed to his head, and the fact that his eyes were out of focus that Morceau Oleander was not about to dance. He was about to do something, to be sure, but probably something that would end in Quentin having a bone broken. Phoebe was still digging through the giant bag (man purse!) that the Coach insisted on carrying. Things were looking desperate. But friendship and love always won out in the end, right? Quentin's brain went into overdrive. Think of something, think of something...

Love.

"Morceau," Quentin batted his eyelashes, "Pleeease dance with meee."

Oleander blinked at him. Was it just him or did the hippy sound... flirty?

Quentin puffed out his lower lip, pouting. "C'mon, just this once. It'll be fuuuun."

"I don't 'do' dance! I'm terrible at it!"

"Oh, baby, it's okay," Quentin smiled, giggled, and blushed faintly. "I can lead."

"This really isn't appropriate, hippy. Now let me go before I kill you," Oleander growled, indignant as Quentin wrapped his arms around him.

"Don't be afraid of the fire, Morry baby. I won't let you burn."

And then...

"AGH! THE HIPPY KISSED ME! AGH!"

"Ew, you taste like cigars," Quentin mumbled, his eye twitching violently. Oh, God, this was not a normal childhood.

"What on Earth?" Milla's jaw dropped. "I, I was just going to give you this class schedule - I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

"The hippy kissed me!"

"Why must you deny our love?!" Quentin asked, face heartbroken. "You need to follow your heart, man!"

"You're ten years old!" the coach roared. "I need to lock you up an run, that's what I _need_ to do!"

"I don't mind that you're old," the hippy put in cheerfully, at which point the older man could not restrain himself anymore and hit the young redhead square in the stomach. Quentin gasped for air, rolling on the ground and clutching his stomach with much dramatic flair. "You're an abusive lover, dude."

As Phoebe crept out the back of the room, though, his job was done.

Quentin was about to run like hell when Milla's concerned face appeared in his line of vision.

"Darling, I think we need to have a talk." She stared him down with a mix of concern and disgust and more concern. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Flaming bear red, drunken cougar lavender, purple?" he asked hopefully.


End file.
